Kerry On The Issues

Kerry on abortion:

I oppose it on moral grounds (it's a human life), but still support it (it's NOT a human life)

Kerry on taxes:

I'll cut taxes on "working families" and RAISE taxes on the "rich" (high-income earners who apparently don't work in my world, because after all I'm a billionaire and I don't even bother to show up for work at the Senate, I just married some crazy old broad who was previously married to a Republican Senator who died horribly)

Kerry on the war in Iraq:

I supported the war, no, wait, I supported threatening to go to war, but I opposed funding it, but I voted to support funding it before I voted to oppose funding it, and I think it was all a mistake, but I'm glad Saddam is no longer in power, and I will stay the course there, except I'll bring our troops home. Oh, and Bush misled everyone with the same information that I had that led me to vote for the war. Except I didn't vote for the actual war, I voted for a different war, in which people are not killed and it doesn't cost any money that could be better spent on more firemen and Heinz ketchup

Kerry on the Death Penalty:

I oppose it, because I feel life in prison is worse than a quick and painless death, except I support it in the case of terrorists, which means that in my world, where a full life lived at taxpayers expense watching cable, lifting weights, and having gay sex is worse than the gas chamber or electric chair, I actually am coddling terrorists, because I don't wish that awful fate on them

Kerry on Vietnam:

I served in Vietnam, with a band of brothers, who I later told the Senate were really a bunch of monsters, and I called myself a war criminal, but I still deserve to be Commander-In-Chief, because I won three purple hearts, though two were for self-inflicted wounds, and none required surgery, and I won more decorations for dispatching with the enemy, who happened to be a wounded Viet Cong teenager running away who I shot in the back, but I won those medals fair and square, and then pretended to throw them away at an anti-war rally supported by Jane Fonda, who once manned anti-aircraft guns aimed at my "band of brothers" but that's okay because they really weren't MY medals, they were some other guys' medals, and you shouldn't even be asking me about anything that I did after I left a boarding school in Switzerland because BUSH LIED